I’m so glad we’ve had this time together

If I could figure out how to pull electronically on my right ear, Carol Burnett style, I would. Remember her show from back in the 70s? She always tugged her ear at the end of each show. It was, I read, a signal to her family that all was well at home. Why she couldn’t pick up the damned phone is, I’m quite sure, another story.

And it’s another story that brings me here now.

I’ve been roaming around the blogosphere reading about people’s lives and am dismayed at how many blogs end right dag nab in the middle of the story without ever telling you what happens. I found one mom who was writing a very funny story about raising her children alone while her husband was deployed in Iraq. For over a year she revealed great snippets from her family life and then said, “Hey, I’m tired of single parenting; I’m tired of my husband not being in my kids’ lives. I’m going to follow him on his deployments. God help us all.” And that was it. It’s like I’ve lost a friend. I’m worried about her and I have no idea who the heck she even is.

I can’t do that to you—my loyal cadre of eighteen followers, who I’m sure are lying awake nights thinking, “What, when, where or where can my friend Mary be?”

So here’s the truth—unvarnished and without sugar coating: Mary the Tech Worker has retired. Having achieved neither fame nor fortune, Mary realized how shrill and angry she sounded and decided to make a change. She quit her high tech job and can be found selling Nathan’s hot dogs from a cart on Coney Island.

Not really. But you get the idea.

Even your friends can only stand so much ranting and raving before they stop returning your phone calls, right?

But kids, I want you to carry on without me. I want you to get pissed and yell and scream. Just promise me you won’t tape tea bags to your foreheads or anything really stupid like that. I want you to open the damn window and shout “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” I want you to remember your friend Mary as someone who thought about things so much that her head busted open and a beautiful, happy princess jumped out and joined the real world. Okay?

Top ten signs you work for a micromanager

My micromanager is beyond the Pale, and answers more to the tune of a nanomanager. Check out this list, which I put together from research and cold, hard experience.

10. Follows you into the bathroom and continues to talk to you about your project status--and you're of opposite sexes.

9. Makes Captain Queeg and Captain Bligh look like management geniuses.

8. Sits in on meetings you chair, saying, "Pretend I'm not here," then hijacks meeting.

7. Never takes vacation. Does get sick from time to time, but comes to work anyway, saying, "I'm needed." Takes sick days only for major surgery, and then only while still anesthetized.

6. Claims all assignments are clear and unambiguous.

5. Won't supply clear answers to questions about ambiguous assignments.

4. Corrects the way you ask clarifying questions about ambiguous assignments.

3. Has said, "I don't like surprises," but gets obvious thrills from surprising subordinates.

2. Can't always resist the urge to tell subordinates how to use the phone system. Doesn't actually know how to use the phone system.

1. Strenuously denies micromanaging anyone, ever.

Love to know if you have more signs...suggestions for dealing with such beasts are also welcome.